If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
