I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
