So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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