I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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