Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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