Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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