I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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