So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
