i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
