im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
