so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
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Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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