ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
