They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
