after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
