sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
