Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
