thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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