Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
