The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need a beard to bite.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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