Cold hands, warm shart.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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