So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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