ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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