Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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