I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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