I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
