i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
