HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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