i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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