remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
