Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
