my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
