Sober January is a disaster.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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