I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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