He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
