I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
