She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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