Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
this just has baby written all over it
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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