put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
as a side note pls kill me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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