She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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