I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
