He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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