I feel great
I just peed on a car
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
