Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
