Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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