My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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