I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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