Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
