my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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