yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
