Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
