I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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